After many years working in various Customer Service positions, I decided to hang in the towel temporarily to be a Stay-At-Home Mom. As my child gets older and prepares for Kindergarten, I have been thinking about rejoining the work force and how I’m going to explain that huge gap in my resume. This got me thinking. What would a mother’s resume look like? And then hilarity ensued.
Every resume needs a little tweaking, depending on which job you’re going after, and it turns out us moms have a variety of occupations we now qualify for such as:
Professional Chimpanzee Wrangler
Angry, Flailing Octopus Shoe Putter-Onner
Secret Vegetable Smuggler
Hulk Calmer-Downer
Patient Injury Kisser
Master Evil Eye Giver
“How To Survive The Zombie Apocalypse With The Contents Of Your Diaper Bag” Instructor
Torture Survivalist Trainer
Expert Item Locator
Professional Question Taker
Bathtub Poop Fisherman
Oh, the wondrous possibilities!
Now that we know our career path options, it’s time to show what we bring to the table, besides delicious snacks.
Skills:
Tantrum Control
Womb Evacuation
Poop Analysis
Questionable Stain Removal
Fluent in Baby Talk
Responds to 75+ Questions Per Minute
Frozen Watcher (and Rewatcher, and Re-Rewatcher)
Missing Item Investigation
Lego Dodging
Impressive. This is coming along quite nicely, don’t you think?
After touting such a lengthy list of skills, we need to back up our claims by showing our experience.
Experience:
Wearing the (yoga)pants in the family for 9 years as CEO of the Household. House Treasurer who successfully established budgets for snacks, crafts, and Dollar Store items. 4 years as an Expert Morale Booster using methods such as silly faces and ridiculous voices. Certifiably Uncertified in Boo Boo and Common Cold First Aid. Missing Item Investigator with a 100% success rate.
Now that we’ve dazzled our prospective Employers with our brilliance (or baffled them with bullshit, either way we got their attention, didn’t we?) it’s time to make this resume sparkle (put the modge podge and craft glitter down!) with all our prestigious awards.
Awards:
Macaroni Necklace, Gold Sticker Recipient, Stretch Marks, Boogers, Rocks, Peek-A-Boo Expert, Undefeated Champion of the “I Can’t Find It!” Game.
I can just hear the phone calls pouring in after submitting this gem. “After careful consideration of this well crafted resume, our company is ready to offer you a generous Employee package should you accept.”
(If you really wanted to go the extra mile, you could show them some of the mommy medals you’ve received as an outstanding mother)
Yes, Rare Species Pest Control, I accept!
