Wine is a mom’s best friend, and while its healing properties are best acquired via pouring it down our gullets, there are many other uses for wine that you may not have thought of.
Brushing Your Teeth
Because it’s alcohol and alcohol kills bacteria. Even dentists back this. Wanna make sure those tiny bacteria fuckers are gone? Gargle a couple glasses of the good stuff.
Antiperspirant
You ran out of deoderant? Well, good thing your wine game is strong. Rub some all over your stanky self.
“But why wouldn’t you just take a shower?”
Umm, how about you don’t judge my life, mkay?
Faking Crime Scenes
C’mon. We’ve all seen Gone Girl.
Warding Off Unwanted Visitors
Don’t feel like company? Scare people off your property by dribbling blood red wine out of your mouth.
Flame Spitting
Ever wanted to spit flames? Me too! Grab your favorite wine and a flamethrower and get ready to make fireeeeee!
Antiseptic:
Did you just touch something grody and don’t have soap, water, or sanitizer? Just wash your hands in
wine. You are cleansed!
Douche
No, no, no. Not for douching with. Feed this to a douche to make them less douchey.
Potpourri:
Does your house smell of funk? Well make it smell like an alcoholic’s house also by placing glasses of wine everywhere.
Marinade:
Indeed, this makes an excellent marinade. Drink a glass and let it marinade your soul for an hour or so. You’ll feel amazing!
Fruit Fly Trap:
*sigh* All the fruit flies I’ve drunk.
Pain Reliever
To use: 21 Years & Up – Drink 8 oz. of wine. Repeat as needed.
Truth Serum
Need to know how someone really feels? Warning, skeletons from closets are thrown out at high velocities.
Vitamin Awesome
Because antioxidants.
Looking Glass:
Stare deep into this liquid and think about what you’ve done, gypsy.
