Throughout my career as a mother, I have witnessed and heard tales of certain common yet mysterious childhood ailments. I have taken it upon myself to catalog these annoying ailments in hopes for a cure.

The Unquenchable Bedtime Thirst – this phenomenon has been noted by parents all over the world, where children inexplicably become parched after being tucked in.

Buttwiping Amnesia – They know how to do it. You know they know but for unknown reasons, and at random times, the piercing whine emits from the bathroom. “Wipe my buuuutt.” When prodded about why they can’t do it themselves, they claim to have forgotten or not know how.

Hand Tourettes – This affliction only presents itself when full cups of liquid are nearby. Everything appears normal, but suddenly, the child’s hand loses all control and before you realize what’s happening, drink has been spilled everywhere.

Chocolate Succubus – Any mention of foods other than chocolate will be met with looks of disgust and the child will report not being hungry, however, once chocolate is presented, the child becomes ravenous, caring not for appearance whilst smearing the brown all over their faces and clothes.

Inconvenient Bladder Syndrome – Even if the child has emptied their bladder before leaving, moments after you arrive at an event or for groceries, the child will need to urinate. If no restrooms are available, the child’s urgency will almost always be tenfold.