My very first gig as a freelance writer was translating rap lyrics into basic bitch speak. It was fantastic, and I might not be who or where I am today if I didn’t take on that job, so I decided to pay tribute to my roots on the internet by mommifying some rap songs. So, word to your motha. And stuff.

[Mom trying to pee in peace]
Mom, mooooom, mommy!
Seriously, get your fingers out from under the door
Hey, baby, hey, baby…baby, go get some animal crackers
Calm down, calm down child

With so much drama in this H-O-U-S-E
It’s kinda hard being M-O- double M…Y (wait, that doesn’t rhyme)
But I, somehow, some way
Keep coming up with fun activities every single day
May I (why, yes, you may!), cook a little something for the kids (yeah)
and, run a few errands as (yeah!) I cruise, through town
Three in the afternoon and cartoons are still on
’cause my spouse ain’t home
I got a kid in the living room throwing a tantrum
and, he ain’t going to bed until eight at night (eight at night)
So what you wanna do, shooooot
I got a sink full of dishes and my dishwasher is full
So turn off the lights and close the doors
“But….” (what’s wrong?) , “You didn’t put my night light on.” Oh yeah!
Now I’m gonna have a Netflix marathon
Feet up, Frozen off, while you kiddos snooze

Sitting on the couch, watching TV, sippin’ on boxed wine
Laid back (with my mind on Real Housewives and Real Housewives on my mind)

Now that I baked me some chocolate cake
Everybody’s got their plastic forks but they haven’t chipped in
Now this type of stuff happens all the time
You get yours all the time, but son, I need to get my sugar high
Everything is fine when you’re listening to “Let it go”
As I take my Starbucks drink to the middle of the lawn
and get to talking to a new neighbor named Brittany (Or was it Nicole?)
She used to date my best friend’s husband (Uh oh)
Eighty degrees, when I say “Bye Felisha”
Get your hands up off my home made muffins, ’cause you can’t have any of these
Girl please, as I chat with idk my BFF Jill, feel the breeze
Fake beach (sand), I’m just

Sitting on the couch, watching TV, sippin’ on boxed wine
Laid back (with my mind on Real Housewives and Real Housewives on my mind)

Later on that day
My friend came over for a play date
And her new babay, diaper full of poo and spit up on my shoes
Dude, that’s no joke
I had to back away and put the child down
Formula and…peas?  Yeah, I feel sick now
But there’s no stopping, I’m still going
My friend brought some froyo from the neighborhood Target
After I eat I’m changing into my yoga pants and taking a nap
Don’t get upset girl, you know that’s just how it goes
I love you but you gotta go
Because I need to be

Sitting on the couch, watching TV, sippin’ on boxed wine
Laid back (with my mind on Real Housewives and Real Housewives on my mind)