Swearing is my favorite. There’s just something about a good ol’ curse word that titillates my dysfunctional soul. The thing about swear words is that they can be used in a pinch as substitutes for almost any word and you can apply them to mean just about anything, regardless of their true meaning. They’re also great for conveying emotions other words just can’t do justice. As a connoisseur of anything sweary, I take expanding my swearcabulary very seriously. I’ve made it my mission to discover new and exciting curse words to share with you and apply them to parenting and motherhood.
Here are seven of my new favorite underused swear words:
Bloodclaat: Blood cloth. A sanitary napkin. After giving birth, you will be given bloodclaats the size of California King mattresses. Your bloodclaats will be the sanitary shrine upon which you carry out your postpartum ritual to mend your broken vagina which includes spraying of the coveted cooter savior, Dermaplast, and layering it with witch hazel pads like some sort of gross bloodclaat pizza.
Bollocks: Testicles. Your child will touch his bollocks and boaby (curse word for penis) near-constantly. Like they’re tiny Bop-It’s. Pull it, twist it, flick it, spin it! A dog is not a boy’s best friend, his little baby bollocks are.
Cockwomble: A foolish or obnoxious person. You will encounter so many cockwombles as a mom. Passive-aggressive Linda from the PTA? Cockwomble. Debbie “Do No Wrong” from the parenting forum? Cockwomble. Pregnancy journal you? Possibly the cockwombliest off them all.
Clunge: Vagina. From the moment your doctor lubes up that dildo-ey transvaginal ultrasound wand to when you’re delivering, your clunge becomes a freak show exhibit for all to see. Your clunge is the touch pool at the aquarium for everyone’s hands and fingers to reach in and feel and make barely amused comments about. Then when your kids start walking, your clunge becomes a “just my height” cushion for them to burrow their faces in when they get shy, sad, or angry, usually while at crowded venues.
Shitpouch: A worthless person, but now I’m coining this term to mean a mom’s purse. Because I can. A bottomless abyss carried about by a strap that houses toys, crumbs, and a CVS receipt long enough to wrap around the Earth. Eight times. A mother and her family could survive a zombie apocalypse using only the contents of a mother’s giant shitpouch. Used in a sentence: “Cute shitpouch! How many straw wrappers can you fit in that side-pocket?”
Fanny flaps: Your child’s buttcheeks. When air is leaked from the bunghole, the fanny flaps clap aggressively, making for a most satisfying prrrrrrrt sound. 10 times out of 10, your child will rest their fanny flaps on you while enjoying a casual fart. But, just in case you weren’t 100% sure what that noise was, they will always remove any and all doubt by shouting, “I FARTED!” Used in a sentence: “If you don’t stop dunking me in the mouth with your fanny flaps, I’m selling you on eBay to the highest bidder.”
Gobshite: A person who talks incessantly. Children are the gobshiteiest of gobshites. Seriously, they never stop talking. If you even think about blinking during your kid’s decade-long recap about a game he watched another kid play on YouTube, they will start all over again. You will be on your hospital bed welcoming the sweet embrace of death because your adorable little gobshite won’t stop bumping their gums.
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