While it may not seem like it, the highly coveted “mom bod” can only be attained through a very strict diet and exercise regimen. Until now, this popular diet has been known only to mothers. After all, not everyone can handle the attention our dark under-eye circles and stretch marks draw in public. Being fabulous is so tiring.
It’s time to share the secrets of our diet plan, appropriately titled the “Mom Diet”.
Breakfast Smoothie
If not for the food that suddenly appears on her family’s breakfast plates and lunchboxes, you might not even know a mom is there because we become a whirlwind of getting shit done for everyone else in the mornings. Because of this, there’s no time to sit down like a proper human being. You’ll have to get your nutrients in slop form.
* 2 Cups of tears from your firstborn
* 1 Cup of cold coffee
* 1 Tablespoon of scalp oil (this should be easy to harvest since you haven’t showered in two days)
* 1 Tablespoon of dried up food-stuffs scraped off of your leggings
* ½ Cup of any breakfast leftovers you can forage
Add ingredients to a blender and scream inside to mix.
Give the blender your iciest mom glare to chill.
Dump your smoothie onto the counter and slurp it off, because one of your damn kids is just gonna knock it over, anyway.
Snack
Couch-mix. Similar to trail-mix, this popular mom snack consists of any and all food remnants that live under and in-between one’s couch cushions. If you’re in the car and on-the-go, you can find another blend by checking the crevices of your child’s car seat, the floor, and the pockets on the back of the driver’s and passenger’s seats if you have them.
Lunch
Slobber marinated chicken with a Playdoh crumb-coat
Side of twice-chewed mac ‘n’ cheese
A glass of ice water, topped with a child’s protein-rich backwash pulp
Snack
Your kid’s orange and yellow candy rejects
A medley of goldfish crackers that have been deemed “deformed”
Dinner
Wine, taken in a locked bathroom while you gather yourself and prepare for bedtime routines. While in there, I find it enjoyable to float around my own DIY sensory deprivation tank. All you have to do is shut off the lights and rage-cry inside of your bathtub.
It’s important to exercise daily, and since hitting the gym isn’t always feasible for parents, there are several workouts you can do at home. I find it nearly impossible to not complete the following workouts:
* Weighted walking via a child curling their body around your shins like maniacal koalas
* Carrying a ball of rage, aka your offspring, to and from their designated time-out area whenever they crawl away from it
* Staircase climb for various bedtime requests
* Emotional tug-o-war
* Rocking back and forth in a locked closet
* Reverse training while you attempt to strap your chupacabre/child hybrid into their car seat * Walking from room to room while trying to remember wtf you went in there for
