Miss me with your, “But I’m just trying to be supportive!” comments because I know, fellow overwhelmed mom offering a high five to another struggling mother while gargling water as you drown from your own invisible load. I know you mean well.

But that doesn’t help the fact that all of the virtual hugs in the world won’t wrap me up like a tortilla blanket while my sanity spirals the toilet and I take a deep-dive into mom guilt and self-loathing over all my perceived failures of the day.

Solidarity is amazing but unofficial studies that I’ve made up show that telling new or struggling moms, “I don’t know how you do it!” (by killing ourselves lol) or, “Such a great mom!” when someone is basically crying for help, is about as helpful and supportive as a pair of fishnet panties during a violent bout of diarrhea. Don’t ask how we got our results. The data is a bit all over the place.

Instead of a lightly salted, “Welcome to motherhood!” “High five! You got this!” or “The Albino” from Princess Bride of mom-to-mom comments, “You’ll miss this someday!” Research has shown that one of the following methods of support may result in less cunt-punchy feelings:

•A private message where you slide down into the trenches with them and let that mom know that you get it, you’ve been there. Sometimes we get lost in the tailspin of perfect outfits, spotless homes, fun family outings we see on social media that lead us to believe that everyone else has it all figured out. It can be such a lifeline to hear someone you thought had it all together share that she, too, punches couch cushions in the dark over her family’s supreme cockwomblerdom.

•Invite her to release all her hot, gooey, pent up frustrations all over your chest in a glistening vent sesh pearl necklace.

•Help a mama out. Offer to cook her family a meal, offer to watch her kids for a bit, have food or groceries delivered to her door, have a mini concert in your car parked in the driveway with the music on full blast.

•Hang out and lend a hand and/or entertain her vagina vandals so she can tidy up the house, shower, or go eat snacks in a closet without a kid trying to climb back up into her cervix.

•Ask her how she’s doing. If she gives you a canned response, ask her how she’s really doing. And then listen to listen, not to respond. There’s a difference.

•Ask her if there’s anything you can do to help her. Offer some things that you’d be happy to do. Offer again.

•If you’re out getting groceries or coffee or are just out and about, text or call and ask if you can grab anything while you’re out and offer to drop it off on their doorstep.

pssst, I’d really appreciate it if you followed me on Pinterest and/or shared this shit!

30% of the time, according to our double-blind study that never happened, virtual hugs work every time.

This is not to say that I don’t take part in long-distance hug parties. Sometimes you don’t know what else to do or say or can’t offer much besides that. But at very least, do not tell a parent that they shouldn’t complain, use that moment to one-up, tell them you relate because you’re a dog mom, or promote the notion that running yourself ragged physically, mentally, and emotionally is what they signed up for or you may find yourself opting in to be ghosted.

Here’s your daily reminder to throw kindness around like dick confetti.

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