I have a little secret. Yes, I love me a good dress or skirt because they’re an easy way to pull off that “put together” look. But, they also are super helpful for when your mom bladder is all “nah, bitch, cabs are here” when you try to shush her for the third hour after she said “it’s time to go!” because you just wanna dance. For one, they provide easy access to your downward fleshspout, for two, they act as a 360 privacy tent for hiding your shame. Committing a misdemeanor never looked so dainty!
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But there’s another reason I appreciate the fuck out of a good skirt or dress, and that’s for inconspicuous queefing into the handbags of people peddling unsolicited parenting advice.
Listen, I didn’t want to be the lady in Aisle 7 sneaking pussy farts into other people’s designer bags and shopping totes but that’s the penalty for unprompted patronizing drivel guised as pearls of wisdom, yet here we are.
To help you unleash your sausage wallet zephyrs in style, here are 5 dresses and skirts that are perfect for poonsqueaks. Because in-case you didn’t know, it is totally acceptable to queef inside of the purses of srangers doling out unsolicited parenting advice while a girl is over here just trying to huff some Cheez Whiz samps.
Perfect height for easy access to your crotch cannon.
Tell me how you would have disciplined your kids “back in your day” and I swear to God I will come unwrapped.
Who just unleashed the beef into your Coach purse? Certainly not I, a dignified lady.
A cute “athleisure” skirt. Perfect for a quick vagina-poot-and-run.
Oh, you don’t think chicken nuggets are a healthy food option? Perhaps you’d like to pair your kale with some of my pink snapper?
This whimsical skirt is great for dropping it like it’s hot right into Chad Dad’s fanny pack as he shakes his head at your kid playing with the box of wine in your cart. IT’S CARDBOARD PLAY, CHAD. GREAT FOR CHILD DEVELOPMENT AND IMAGINATION.
I hope this dumb article has kept you thoroughly entertained and maybe provided you with a laugh or two. If you’ve enjoyed it, please let me know by leaving a comment below or sharing with your friends as I’m fueled by internet validation.
