So you’re thinking about becoming the proud new owner of a baby, but you’re just not sure if you’re ready for this parenting gig? I’ve got just the thing for you. Below I will be sharing with you a list of drills that will prepare you for Operation Tiny Person.
1. Go to your local grocery store with a friend and pick up two of the largest sacks of potatoes you can find. Ask your friend to stare at random strangers, occasionally blurting out random words. Also tell them to smack anything you pick up out of your hands.
2. Buy a life-sized baby doll. Fill the doll’s head with lead and then attach the head back onto the body with a slinky. Practice picking it up, setting it down, and walking around with it one-handed.
3. Watch a TV show but have a friend throw something, scream in your ear, or engage in borderline life threatening behavior every 2-5 minutes.
4. Hold a cute little monkey with Irritable Bowel Syndrome and let it poo all over you. Now clean up the monkey without puking, all whilst inhaling the formidable scent of dung.
5. Search Google Images for common rashes. How many times did you cringe?
6. Wear a flesh colored fanny pack filled with jello and cottage cheese (to mimic your future post-baby tummy). Try on everything in your closet in front of a full-length mirror.
7. Repeat the last drill, but this time do it after having showered for three days.
8. If you’ll be breastfeeding, practice latching techniques with a live piranha.
9. Stand in the middle of a circle of annoying women while they take turns giving you unwanted advice that go against all your beliefs. How long were you able to smile and nod before the internal screaming kicked in?
10. Watch the same Disney movie, repeatedly, for two weeks straight. Rig an air horn to go off as soon as the movie ends.
If you tried your best with all these exercises and are still gung-ho on the whole parenthood thing, congratulations because you will be rewarded with the most profound love you’ve ever felt.
