If you haven’t read the 2016 Hater’s Guide to theWilliams-Sonoma Catalog, you’re missing out. After cackling over this year’s article, I wanted to write my own version for parents.
As parents, we run into some obnoxiously priced and unnecessary gear for kids. Before our children are even born, we get slammed with ridiculous lists of newborn “essentials.” For once in my life, I sought out a place that sold expensive kids products. That’s when I came across Pottery Barn Kids’ 2016 Holiday catalog for December. And while I do love me some Pottery Barn, some of the products I discovered in their 2016 December catalog were…well, you’ll see.
Here’s a little highlight reel of shit I won’t be buying from Pottery Barn Kids this year or ever. Probably. If anyone wants to gift me some of these, however, now that’s another matter.
1. Super Hero City
Super Hero City Playsets $299
Heroes set of 5 $24
Villains set of 5 $24
Let’s start this thing out with a bang, why don’t we? Or maybe a Ka-Pow right in your bank account’s nut sack. At least you can make more super heroes using discarded corks from all the wine you drink trying to escape the fact that you’re an uppity a-hole. Kids like action figures: a figure capable of actions via bendable limbs.
Okay, in all honesty, this thing actually does look pretty cool. Onto the next item!
2. Tea Food
Tea Sandwich Set set of 4 $24
Macaroon Set set of 5 $24
Hand-felted, pinkies up, by sanctimommies taking a break from trolling parenting forums and hell-bent on all things Montessori, using hair from a unicorn’s teat. And don’t worry, they’re gluten-free.
3. Faux-Fur Rockin’ Gifts
Faux-Fur and Sherpa Rockers $189/$149
Fancy the fanciful? Teach little Willa or Blake that animals exist merely for their amusement with these rockers. Methinks people are going a little overboard with their choice of animals for rockers. A cat? Have you ever tried to mount a cat? No, because that’s not even a thing. Cats are not whimsical, they’re assholes with retractable scythes.
4. Only the Plushiest
Faux-Fur Stockings $27.50 – $31.50
Faux-Fur Sleeping Bags $169
Faux-Fur Plush $29 – $99
Do you even faux-fur, bro? The big theme this year, apparently, is age-appropriate taxidermy. Gone are the days of teddy bears, what are we, Pilgrims? No, now it’s all about jumbo llamas that stare at you while you sleep. But for $100, good luck getting mom or dad to let you actually play with your plush. Not in this house, sister.
5. Gold Pendant Light
Glass & Metal Cage Pendant $349
Show people that money is an object, and that that object is a giant fucking suspended orb of gold in your child’s room. FFS, what are you? A Sultan?
6. Bedtime Finery
Flannel Pajamas $46.50
No, they’re not actually called bedtime finery, but I wouldn’t be surprised if they were.
Here’s a fun little preview of what your kids won’t look like while wearing these claustrophobia-inducing, personalized pajama sets:
Nope. Get ready to hear a whole lot of “I’m choking” and “This is too itchy!” and “Why do you hate us, Mommy? Why?”
7. Chair Backers
Chair Backers $19.50 – $24
Oh, you just have naked, un-personalized chair backs? WELL FUCK YOU! Santa sobs over your uncoifed chairs. Do you really wish me a Merry Christmas? Because your bare-backed chairs say otherwise.
8. Santa Gnomes
Santa Gnomes:
Skiing $59
Standing $29
At a Pottery Barn meeting somewhere, someone stood up and was like, “I think a good price for the mini mop on toothpick stilts is $59,” and everyone nodded their heads in jute-loving agreeance.
9. Metal Baking Set
Metal Baking Set $24
A metal baking set. Because kids and metal objects with serrated edges sounds like oodles of fun. Go ahead and anticipate the $1,200 bill you’ll be getting from the ER after they have to surgically remove a bundt cake pan from Preston’s shoulder blade after little Adley assaulted him with it for pretending to eat her invisible lemon and rose water cake.
10. On-the-Go Stroller
Convertible 3-in-1 $99
3-in-1? Oh, joyous day, that’s 3x the frequency of your child’s incessant begging this “on the go” stroller will cause since they’ll want to bring it everyfuckingwhere. Oh, but it will keep your child’s baby, who is not alive therefore rendering this feature useless, safe and secure. What a treasure.
11. Designer Dolls
Designer Dolls $29 – $59
Monique Lhuillier Designer Dolls $69
What’s the difference between regular old designer dolls and motherhecking Monique Lhuillier designer dolls? Oh, about $10 – $40 dollhairs, that’s what. Get it? Puns are funny.
Can you tell the difference from this pic? No, the differences are silent. Just like the “H” in Lhuillier.
12. Silver Tea Set
Silver Tea Set $59
Serve your kids their sense of entitlement on a literal silver platter. Polished with the tears of joy over how #Blessed you are.
13. Baby Blanket
Baby Blankets $29.50 – $59.50
What do you mean your chamois aren’t luxe, organic, and/or faux-fur? You’ve got to be Sherpa-ing me. You know, when I think of a material I’ll likely be cleaning bodily fluids and curdled milk out of, I immediately think of faux-fur. I’ll take fabrics that are totally pretentious for infants for $60, Alex.
14. Velvet Advent Calendar
Luxe Velvet Advent Calendar Special$99 $79
A personalized “Luxe” tartan-lined advent calendar. So you can center a special time in your day around bleeding money for gifts leading up to a day where you bled even more money for even more gifts. Everything about this advent calendar screams missionary sex with Holiday-themed thermal pajama tops on while Celine Dion plays in the background.
15. Monique Lhuillier
Dollhouse $299
Round Tufted Ottoman $399
“Oh, I’ll just set this $300 doll mansion on top of this $400 ottoman.” Tufted? You bet your ass it’s tufted. Just like my butthole at the thought of spending $700 on “ethereal” décor.
16. AT-AT Bookcase
AT-AT Walker Bookcase $1,599
No, those aren’t lasers, that’s just blood squirting out of my eyes over the price tag on this thing.
I’m sorry, but for $1,599, this AT-AT Walker Bookcase better walk. It better take me on rides through a galaxy far, far away, blasting shit, or at least something else besides sit there while my kids make wooden penis structures on the floor in front of it.
17. Dollhouses
Dollhouses:
Ellington $399
Ellington Townhouse $199
Greenwich $399
Westport $199
Farmington $99
“Colonial-styles.” Arm your kids with terms like “colonial-styles” so they can be the next shiplap-obsessed assholes destined for open-concept marital woes on House Hunters. Set up a bank account for your 6-year-old and dump your Roth IRA into it for the future HOA fees they’ll need to pay just to live in “Westport” or “Greenwich” with their son named Ellington because of course that’s his name.
