Being a mom who lives with anxiety, or any mental illness, is tough. It’s like stacking an elephant on top of a rickety ladder that could give way at any moment, only the elephant is the worry and stress that comes with the territory of caring for a child, and you’re the rickety ladder struggling to stay upright when everything is telling you to collapse.

Now that I’ve told you, my probably fellow ladder, what you know all too well, let’s have a laugh with How to Mom When You Have Anxiety.

1. It’s like you’re not even trying
As moms with anxiety powers, we have the duty to try and manage our anxiety. And no one likes to tell us how to do that more than people without anxiety. So, before reading on, make sure you can’t cure your anxiety with one of these simple tactics:

•    Try to not think about it
•    Realize how much worse other people have it
•    Stop feeling sorry for yourself
•    Just relax
•    Try breathing exercises
•    Go for a run
•    Realize that you’re not the only one with problems. You self-centered bastard
•    Toughen up

2. Plan your day
You need to take into account what shit you absolutely need/want to get done, followed by what you could put off if you and your family rough it for a bit longer and then match those things up with places, routes, and times that are anxiety-friendly. Anxiety-friendly venues are places that you know fairly well and have the least population density as possible. This can change according to time of day. You know that song that goes, “The freaks come out at night”? Well, there’s a reason for that and that reason is because there’s usually less assholes blocking aisles or scuffing the back of your shoes with their goddamned carts. Earlier in the mornings is also optimal. Never directly before or during your child’s designated nap time. Do not skip that shit.

Now that you’ve planned your day accordingly, think up ways to completely sabotage yourself productively. Get lost scrolling Facebook, start cleaning, start watching a movie your kids love, go on Pinterest and pin a ton of recipes and projects you’ll never ever make or do. Procrastinate. Hard. Today’s anxiety can go on tomorrow’s tab. You can worry about it at 2 AM right after your regularly scheduled mental slideshow of all the ways you have failed in life. You know the one.

3. Look busy at all times

Eye-contact is not your friend. I repeat, eye-contact is not your friend. Eye-contact is a gateway drug for the anxiety-riddled person’s most hated 12-lettered-word: conversation *shudder*. Whenever I go out, I go into straight tunnel vision mode and kinda glaze everyone and everything not in my path out. If I have to stay in one spot while others are around me, I do things like check my email a dozen times in a row, become extra engaged with my child, scroll social media, pretend to be interested in a random spot on the wall, suddenly become fascinated with the sky and my surroundings, pretend to be texting, anything I can to look unavailable.

4. Give yourself a pre-socializing pep talk
Okay, you’ve flaked way too much lately and what little friends you still have left at this point of your life are on the verge of giving up on you. Or it’s a special function or event you have to attend because it involves your child. Or you just fucking have to because things.

Before going on a social outing or somewhere you know there will be a lot of people you can’t avoid, give yourself a pre-socializing pep-talk. Mentally prepare for the awkwardness guaranteed to lie ahead by knowing how awkward it’s going to be and surrendering. I like to start my pep-talk days before the event if I’ve been given that much notice. If I haven’t been given much notice and I’m still going, I must like you a whole fucking lot because not giving someone ample time to mind freak is Friend of An Anxious Person No-No #1.

Repeat after me: “I am weird af. I’m going to make people feel uncomfortable with my awkward laughter and creepy aura smog of nervous energy, and that’s okay…ish.”

5. Allow yourself ample time to de-people
Alone time. Now that you’ve shocked your system by making human contact, it’s time to turn into a vegetable. Spiritually and mentally burrow deep inside of yourself. You need to debrief. Oh, wait, your family keeps demanding that you take care of their basic needs? Throw some Cheerios on the floor, set out some glasses of water and towels (because you know they’re gonna spill shit), lay down some puppy pads, mutter “I love you” when you’re not replaying every single detail of every single moment you’ve experienced thus far in life, and snap out of it if you hear anyone screaming, like, really screaming, like, someone’s bleeding screaming.

If you don’t de-people, all that residual energy from the people-ing you’ve done is going to build up until you burst over something totally random. WHY IN THE EVERLASTING FUCK IS THERE A SMALL SPOON IN THE DISHWASHER SLOT WHERE THE BIG SPOONS GO?

6. Find parent/child unicorns
And hold onto them for dear life. Yes, socializing is an integral part of your child’s development and well-being. They shouldn’t have to suffer because you’re a nervous wreck. So, you’re gonna need to be uncomfortable for a while by meeting up with strangers for play dates. It’s not going to be fun. You’ll be mentally rocking back-and-forth the entire duration of the outing and leave with a stress headache. But then you’ll meet the “perfect” pair that are either the same brand of weird as you are, or are compatible with your crazy.

7. Figure out a way to make home life exciting
Or, at very least, acceptable. Leaving the house is probably not something you’re fond of unless you absolutely have to. There are too many uncontrolled variables. Because of that, you’re gonna have to make home life fun, exciting, tolerable – you get it. Search for some fun crafts and activities to do. Like that one where you tell your kid to keep a coin pinned to the wall using only their nose and they lose if it drops. Or, who can scream into a pillow the loudest? Hang on, let mommy tally up this week’s mom guilt, okay, go!

Anxiety is a real bitch but hopefully I’ve pacified yours with a dose of laughter. What are some obstacles you’ve faced as a parent with anxiety, or tips you have for navigating the parenting trenches with mental illness?