When I started out on Twitter a few years ago, I did so solely as another way to promote my blog because I read another blog on how to blog that told me I needed to join every social media platform to gain more traffic to my blog. I sat there like a dumb a-hole, fingers twitching with excitement as I composed my very first tweet, making sure to litter it all to hell with hashtags. I hit send and hurried over to my blog to watch all the page views start to roll in. Then I waited. And waited. And, seriously? What the fuck.

Today, my follower count sits at 23k and growing but I still feel like the person I was when I had less than 100. I’ve learned a lot by fucking up a lot. I searched Google and Pinterest for all the help I could get and took away little to nothing besides a bunch of free e-courses flooding my email. That’s why I thought I’d help those starting out or wanting to gain more followers by passing on some tips that don’t totally suck.

Here it goes!1) Hashtags are NOT necessarily your friend
What!? My life is a lie!

I know what you’re thinking, because I thought it, too. Hashtags are what get your tweets noticed, right? Well, yes and no.

If a person is searching Twitter for something specific, they can use the search bar and any tweets containing those words will show up. My first tweets – for a while, actually – were littered with hashtags like #momlife #momproblems, etc. While this helped me find funny parent accounts and parent bloggers who were just as new to this thing as I was, it is my personal opinion that it makes your tweets less attractive to more seasoned users wanting to retweet. To me, they spell out “newbie.” No one who has been on Twitter long enough to know better uses hashtags.

“But how will I get noticed?” Read on, my friend. I’ll juice you up!

When I tried Googling for this magical link, I came up empty-handed, so I’m going to do you a solid.

Copy this link and replace YOURUSERNAME with, you guessed it, your user name, or everything after your “@”:

https://twitter.com/search?q=from%3AYOURNAME%20exclude%3Areplies&s=09

Don’t worry if you don’t see the whole link when you go to paste it into your bio. It should work.

3) MCM, WCW, FF, WTF?
Holy acronyms, Batman! On Twitter, these stand for Man Crush Monday, Woman Crush Wednesday, and Fan Favorite, and these are actually great opportunities to engage with people, show them your appreciation, and get noticed. Why do this? Because you’re a mostly nice person, hopefully, but you’re also benefiting yourself because now these people may return the favor by visiting your timeline to follow if they aren’t already, and hopefully get your name out by retweeting you.

Don’t expect that though. Do this out of the goodness of your cold, black heart, and because you truly like these people. Make a list of, say, five users that you admire and send your love out into the Twitterverse. And don’t do it all the damn time or else it loses its charm.

5) RETWEET!
Here is how you get noticed. Seems counter-intuitive, doesn’t it? After all, you want YOUR tweets on your timeline, not everyone else’s! Wrong.

I was very shy to retweet (RT) other people in the beginning, and I was very selective. Don’t be! It is the biggest compliment to do so. A heart (or sometimes star…Twitter is always changing this) is nice, but people really want and appreciate RT’s. This being said, only RT things that you genuinely think are funny and/or interest you. Basically, would you have tweeted this yourself if you thought of it first, and/or do you support this?

Retweeting increases your chances of being followed and retweeted because the people you retweet will likely check you out if they haven’t already to return the favor. I know I do.

6) This is not Facebook
Let me say that louder for the people in the back: this is NOT Facebook. Every social media platform is unique in what does and doesn’t work. I don’t want to know how many miles you ran today or how scrumdiddlyumptious your coffee is. I want to laugh my vajay off. Facebook is where you go to glorify your life, Twitter is where it’s hilarious to over-dramatize how shitty things are. That’s why most of us love Twitter. Life is a shit show, let’s have some laughs. We see enough filtered pictures and airbrushed lives on Facebook. Nnnnno! *smacks your hand*

I want to read all those thoughts you’d never dare to say – until now.

7) Participate In Hashtag Games
Hashtags are okay if you’re participating in a hashtag contest. This is where a hashtag game account gives a topic and you respond with your wittiest answer and include the topic’s hashtag in your tweet. A ton of people participate in these contests because they’re fun and will check out other people’s responses and heart or retweet you if they like what you have to say. Maybe even give you a follow.

8) Make friends
You’ll run into people that interest you more than others. Visit their TL’s frequently and retweet them, @ them something witty every once in a while, maybe even a funny gif. Bitches love funny gif’s. Give ’em a shout-out as a cool person to follow. Maybe you’ll become friends and they’ll begin retweeting you and telling their friends to follow you. Put them on a list of your favorite people so it’s easier to keep track of them.

I never thought it would be possible to find friends on Twitter but I’ve made quite a few and we talk more than I talk to some of my closest friends (I know, that’s bad). Twitter people rock my socks off.

9) Be consistent
Try to write tweets daily or at least a couple of times weekly. I know that sounds like a lot (and it is, trust me, I find it challenging) but Twitter is fast-paced and people look forward to fresh content.

Make a draft folder or keep notes on your phone whenever you think of something witty so you can have a reserve of tweets on days your mind is blank, then just copy and paste. I’d say for at least the first year, and probably closer to two, I was tweeting every single day. Don’t give up!

10) Check out my blog post!
“No!” is what most people think when you link to your blog posts on Twitter. It’s harsh, but it’s the truth. Most people are on Twitter for quick comic relief, they don’t have time to visit your blog. Does this mean never mention your blog posts? Absolutely not. But don’t ONLY use Twitter to announce that you’ve published a new blog post.

Variation is best. Don’t be monotone. Make a meme, post a funny picture, retweet, tweet some funny content. It’s no fun visiting a timeline that is repetitive.

11) Follow/Unfollow/Follow
Stop what you’re doing right meow. If you follow someone and they don’t follow you back, don’t be a gaping butthole by unfollowing them and following and unfollowing, etc, as is the tactic of some people to gain a person’s attention. It’s obnoxious and is grounds for you to get blocked and hated for all of eternity.

I hope this post helps you to be more confident and not feel as awkward and clueless as I was in the beginning. Now get out there and have some fun!