As a parent, you have onejob. To have your child on a strict but fun daily schedule that nurtures their interests, has them waking up and going to bed at the appropriate hour some stranger on the internet decided was appropriate for their age, make nutritious, organic, sugar-free meals made with locally grown ingredients, brush their teeth, do age-appropriate chores, entertain them or fill their day with activities and extracurriculars like sports or robotics so they can learn teamwork and practical job skills for the future, monitor their screen time, encourage growth and independence, protect them without hovering, be a strong, sound role model who is a pillar of good behavior, kindness, and respect at all times, teach them to be polite but never a pushover, stay on top of their homework, never yell or lose your cool, discipline them in a well thought out way as approved by a panel of child psychologists so as not to traumatize them for life, and put down your phone so you can be present and available for them whenever they ask you to watch them sprint from one room to the next for the eleventeenth time. Super easy, right?
If parental guilt and society’s endless list of expectations of you as a parent has you pouring a bit o’ whiskey in with your morning coffee, this one’s for you, homie.
Here are five of the worst parents in history to make you feel a little better about yourself. Here’s the twist: I give you a lowdown of their dirty deeds, but you won’t know who the culprit is until the end. Oooh, intrigue.
1.This parent didn’t like the way his daughter-in-law dressed one day so he did the only logical thing and beat her. The fucked-up part? She was pregnant and miscarried as a result of the assault. Daddy Dearest didn’t stop there, though. Once his son found out about his assholery, he confronted him about the altercation so this dad hit him in the head with his pointy walking stick which ended up killing him. Two murders in one day? Most days I can’t even bring myself to put pants on, let alone kill someone.
2. This parent had twins but decided to only care for one as the other slowly starved to death. An extremely negligent mother, she had also been known to roll over her babies in her sleep and step on them.
3. This father killed two of his sons after killing their mother and imprisoned his step-son only to kill him off later as well. As if these deeds weren’t horrendous enough, he was also responsible for killing several boys age two and under – many of them just babies.
4. A serial killer, this dad castrated and killed his own father. Paranoid that his children would try to kill him, he managed to eat all but one of his sons, but only because the children’s mother was able to save him.
5. After her new boyfriend murdered her husband, this mother sat idly by as her new beaux mauled her children because they were reminders of their dead father. Without a shred of remorse, she then went on to have more babies with her new beaux.
Now, for the reveal.
1. Ivan the Terrible
You don’t get the adage of “the Terrible” for learning how to French braid your daughter’s hair. The first Tsar of Russia, Ivan was described as being prone to episodic outbreaks of mental instability. Orphaned at seven, he took to torturing small animals and believed that God gave him special powers.
2. Pandas
What? No, say it’s not true! Ever wonder why there are so many adorable baby pandas being raised in zoos? It’s because while pandas are prone to having twins, mother pandas often don’t have enough food for two, so she’ll favor the stronger sibling. Damn, that’s cold.
3. King Herod the Great
The main thing this biblical figure was great at was massacring people. I think it’s safe that you’re a pretty terrible human if you try to find and kill baby Jesus. When the wise men refused to tell Herod where baby Jesus was, Herod ordered his men to have every boy two and under slaughtered. After hearing false rumors about one of his wives, he killed her and later killed their two sons, also after being swayed by false rumors.
4. Cronus
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| Me before coffee |
The greek god of of time and son of Uranus (teehee), ate his children after learning of a prophecy that they would overturn him. His son Zeus was saved when Rhea wrapped a stone in baby clothes with Cronus, dumb as a rock (pun), none the wiser as he ate it.
5. Lionesses
Regarded as some of the most protective mothers, but apparently when the head of the pride is defeated by a new Lion, a lioness steps aside as their new main squeeze offs all of the young cubs since they were fathered by someone else.
Suddenly, I don’t feel so bad about serving cereal for dinner.
