Dear Single, Childless Girl In Her 20’s,
Go enjoy your ho phase, henny.
Sometimes I wish I could go back in time with a screaming child on my hip and a “sex on Thursday?” text to my husband on my phone. I’d blow some dick confetti in pre-kids me’s face, slap her on her firm, un-hemmorrhoided ass, and bless her on her body-glittered journey to get dicked-down.
And don’t you dare come for me, pearl clutchers. You know deep down you reminisce about a different type of pearl necklace.
What is a ho phase?
According to Urban Dictionary (a super reliable source, I know). A hoe-phase is “a phase in your life that occurs frequently when you are fine with exploring promiscuous activities and connecting with random people. These activities do not always end in sex, but can lead to it. You have a high tendency to dance provocatively with strangers, be a tease in social settings, flirt non-stop, kiss and/or make-out with others, and get caught up in the moment. This phase helps you establish what you like and don’t, explore your sexuality, and have fun. You have the ability to stop these actions or snap out of the phase.”
Revel in your wild and carefree days where you don’t even care if you fall asleep in your makeup because you don’t search for words like “age rewind” and “wrinkle eraser” when shopping for moisturizer. These days will be gone in one drunken “I can’t find my debit card, left shoe, or Becky!” and you’ll wake up in your mid-30’s with two kids, a mortgage, and no recollection of why you came into this room.
We wait so long to grow up and only have a brief time to live it up before realizing that adulting is bonafide bullshit.
I know it doesn’t feel like it, but there’s plenty of time to find Mr or Miss Right. Go live your fucking life. Kiss too many people, experiment (safely! wrap it up, use birth control, and have some standards), get your heart broken, do the “walk of shame,” dance like nobody’s watching, find out the next morning that – actually – someone was watching and now you’re a meme.
Thank GOD Facebook wasn’t a thing during my partying days.
You’ll miss the ritual of getting ready to go do ho shit with your friends. Things that seem so trivial at the time will become some of your fondest memories: Drinking while putting makeup on with your friends as music thumps in the background. Putting on mini fashion shows to help your girlfriends decide what to wear. Impromptu dance and karaoke sessions in the mirror, the “does my ass look good in these jeans?” (The ones you got from Forever 21 when it wasn’t weird to shop there because you were in your twenties). The drive to the club, bar, or party, singing to your favorite songs with your favorite people. Drunken bathroom conversations with strangers where you hype each other up with compliments.
You feel on top of the world. You’ll wish, 15 years later, that you were as “fat” as you think you are now. When your body moves painlessly and with ease. You’ll miss being carded, being noticed. Because as a mom, you begin to fade into the background – like a piece of furniture.
Before you know it, you’ll meet the loves of your life – your significant other and kids. You can still slut it up with your spouse but it’ll be different because life with small kids can be taxing on your relationship. Most days you’ll feel like a trash bag filled with weird gas station food like pig knuckles and pickled eggs.
I’d say this might be an unpopular opinion, but I don’t think it is.
According to a very sciencey poll I did on Instagram, 58% (4.1k people) voted that “yes” they wished they were more of a ho before getting married and having kids as opposed to 42% (3k) that answered “no.” A gush of messages that came in my box (yes, this choice of words was intentional) pointed out that people only answered “no” because they made sure to sufficiently ho it up pre-kids and I do’s.
Does that mean everyone needs a hoe phase?
Absolutely not. If your personal feelings or beliefs are that you shouldn’t have sex until you’re married, you’re a relationship kinda gal, or you’re just good not inviting that many patrons into your vagina saloon, then that’s your call – don’t let anyone make you feel weird about that either
pssst! you should follow me on Pinterest!
According to the internet, going through a hoe phase has its benefits!
You learn your sexual preferences, what you want and don’t want in a partner, what you like and don’t like in the bedroom. It helps you learn about yourself and fizzle out any future “I never had a hoe phase” regrets.
I know it doesn’t feel like it, but there’s plenty of time to find Mr or Miss Right. Go live your fucking life. Kiss too many people, experiment (safely! wrap it up, use birth control, drink responsibly, make plans for a safe ride home, don’t feel afraid to turn an “oh yeah!” into an “oh no” if something doesn’t feel right, and have some standards). Get your heart broken, do the “walk of shame,” dance like nobody’s watching, find out the next morning that – actually – someone was watching and now you’re a meme.
Your worth is not in how few or how many sexual partners you have. None of that shit even matters once you become a mother. I’ve seen plenty of promiscuous girls become the most amazing moms. So go on with your bad self and sow your wild oats. And rest assured, you can turn a hoe into a housewife.
