Parenting Humor

4 CRIMINALS WE KINDA WISH WERE OUR MOM FRIENDS

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While I don’t condone criminal activity, I have to admit that when I came across these headlines, I couldn’t help but think okay, but this sounds like a damn good time/a kickass mom friend.

Whether that’s accurate is iffy, but when you’re a lonely mom looking to make new mom friends or enjoy some free time, you’re not super picky.

All I know is, I’d choose drinking wine out of a Pringles can over a fucking Tupperware party.

If you’re not keen on doing jail time (it has its perks! Free meals you don’t have to cook and zero judgment for wearing the same outfit every day), you could adapt these ideas for ways to have a criminally good time on your next mom date.

Here are 4 criminals who sound like they’d make some pretty fun new mom friends.

Charcuterie on the go

A woman in Wichita Falls, TX was banned from Walmart for driving around the parking lot for hours in a motorized scooter while drinking wine in a Pringles can. I’m willing to bet she has kids at home who “Mom, mom, mommy” her to death all day and sister just needed a break.

I say keep the wine in the Pringles can (in a zip lock), but maybe stay at home while zipping around on one of these death hazards from our youth.

plastic scooter board with wheels for sitting on and rolling around.

2. Attack of the chicken nugs

A woman in Toledo, OH, was charged for punching through a McDonald’s window after she was told they weren’t serving chicken nuggies since it was still breakfast time. Any mom with hungry children in the backseat begging for nuggets understands this woman’s plight. And while I wouldn’t slug anyone over it, the breakfast policy at McDonald’s has made me want to yell, “Aw, HORSESHIT!” more than once.

Save yourself the trouble of hearing the dreaded “We stop serving breakfast at 10:30” and have a frozen chicken nugget party. Maybe even make some homemade milkshakes since you know the McDonald’s’ shake machine is gonna be down.

If you just wanna throw hands, why not ram into each other like Bubble Boy in these things.

3. Naked Beefsteak Heist

A Mosinee, WI woman was arrested on a street corner after people called and complained that she was pantsless and smuggling meats from a grocery store. Police found beefsteaks in the woman’s purse that she’d stolen from another grocery store earlier.

First off, Smuggling Beefsteaks sounds like a badass rock band name. Kinda like an angry femme version of Smashing Pumpkins. Second, moms know all too well the feeling of your postpartum labes looking like we’re smuggling beefsteaks in our prison purse, if you know what I mean. Third, fuck pants. I get it.

Instead of going pantsless in public, have a pajama party at home where you can eat and queef shamelessly in peace. Make a smorgasbord of all the French dips and beefy delights your heart desires.

4. Sushim like a cool friend

A woman from Citrus County, FL was arrested for riding dirty on a motorized shopping cart through Wally World while drinking wine, feasting on cinnamon buns, a rotisserie chicken, and sampling boxed sushi.

Show me a mom who thinks this sounds like a bad time, and I’ll show you a mom who can stay the hell away from me because this sounds like paradise.

If there were ever a Purge for tired ass mamas to do whatever we wanted, I know where we’d all be – in the alcohol aisle of Target before heading to the media center to have a dance party wearing weird outfits we curated and face masks.

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