Each year when the temperature dips and I can see my breath on the air, my nipples perk up a little bit, not because it’s cold, but because it means it’s time for my little end-of-year tradition of roasting the Pottery Barn Kid’s holiday catalog. As a huge fan of Drew Magary’s Hater’s Guide to the Williams Sonoma Catalog (who was recently injured in an accident and unable to write a Hater’s Guide this year), I wanted to do something similar for parents. And, so, in 2016 my WTF Guide to the Pottery Barn Kids Catalog was born.
This year Pottery Barn Kids didn’t publish a holiday catalog, but that didn’t stop me from finding some festive new atrocities to drag through the shit as my gift to you.
I didn’t think PBK could get any more morbid with their My First Taxidermy-esque products seen in last year’s catalog. Boy, was I wrong.
But this intro is starting to feel food-bloggery, so let’s dive right in, shall we?
Standing Velvet Santa
Who thought these stuffed Santa corpses were a good idea? At this point I feel like PBK is just coming out with ridiculous shit and seeing who will pay for it. “Standing velvet Santa”? the title alone is enough to commence nervous egg-nog fueled pants-shitting in boys and girls everywhere. These velvet Santa’s look like they come alive at night and stroke your hair as you sleep before stepping inside of your mouth as if you were a sleeping bag and possessing your body.
It sees you when you’re sleeping. It knows when you’re awake. It’s been trapped inside of its little doll body for centuries and needs a new body to consume. Oh my fuck, did it just crawl up the wall!?
Monique Lhullier Stockings
Last year we became well-acquainted with Monique Lhullier’s whimsical bullshittery and this year is apparently no different. Did you write “house fire” on your list to Santa this year? Because that’s what you’re going to get with one of these goddamned fire hazards! Looks like little Julia, Annabelle, Teddy, and Lucy are getting silver emergency blankets and a seat on the back of a fire truck as they watch their home burn to the ground for Christmas this year because Mommy bought them fucking kindling socks to hang directly above a roaring fire!
Baby’s First Trim and Ornament Set
Okay, listen. Y’all need to settle down with the weird shit you’re doing with your placenta. First there were placenta pills, then teddy bears made out of dried placenta, then people started carrying their placenta around in a fucken bowl like Kentucky Fried Afterbirth. Now we’re making ornaments!? What even is that green dingleberry? Pottery Barn offered no explanation in its description. Is it meconium? Rotting foreskin? A butt plug? A fuggin hair ball coughed up by a cat with severe intestinal issues? A solitary Grinch turd? I need answers!
Sisal Penguins
This penguin looks like Mumble from Happy Feet was turned into a White Walker and is waddling towards The Wall to rage-peck the eyes out of the citizens of Westeros. Don’t have enough money to buy this creepy, pallid penguin that literally no child asked for? Just go scrape a dead seagull off the highway – not too fresh, mind you, it needs to be stiff from rigor mortis so that you can stand it up on your kid’s nightstand before they wake up on Christmas morning. Then just lie in bed and wait for the excited screams of delighted children. Ho-ho-Hodor!
Sherpa Reindeer Santa Gift Bag
Oh, sherp, looks like Santa finally got tired of Comet’s shit, cut his head off, and stuffed it with toys.
Faux Fur Booties
Disney never told us what exactly happened to Bambi’s mother. We hear a gunshot but, really, we’re left to assume the worst. You know who knows what truly happened? Pottery Barn. Pottery Barn knows. Because they sawed off her fucking hooves and put them up for sale on their website for children to stuff their cute little tootsies inside of.
Arctic Hare Stocking
You know what screams “Christmas”? This decapitated little bunny head that someone sewed onto a motherfucking sock. Some of the nerves still fire from time to time, kind of like a chicken running around with its head cut off, resulting in its eyes following you wherever you go and actual screaming but it doesn’t scream “Christmas” more like “AHHHHHH!” “AHHHHHH!” “AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!” It’s horrifying!
Arctic Hare Plush
Here’s the lover of the ill-fated stocking hare. His soul cannot be at peace because of his wife’s murder and the heinous display of her corpse so he plans to go on a killing spree. Like Law Abiding Citizen 3: Demon Hare’s Undying Revenge.
And he has help. He’s gathered an elite team of undead forest assassins and they’re going to fuck everyone’s shit up with a jolly PBK glitter tree pick shank-a-thon. Here we have Trample Pony, Stab Horn Unicorn, Murder Mammoth, Slaughter Goat, Satanic Squirrel, Jack-the-Ripper-lope, Fire Fox, and the real mastermind of the group: Hellhog.
I hope you enjoyed this year’s roast, and if you did, I wouldn’t love a like, comment or a share. I’m kidding. I would be fucking psyched for a comment, like, or share. This is all in good fun, I know actual animals weren’t harmed in the making of these products. Or were they? Happy Holidays, everyone!
Is this your first time reading one of my WTF guides? Check out my past roasts:
WTF Guide to the 2017 Pottery Barn Kids Holiday Catalog – this one got featured on Scary Mommy last year!
WTF Guide to the 2016 Pottery Barn Kids Holiday Catalog
